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Sunday, January 25th, 2015
11:53 am
“Memories do not always soften with time; some grow edges like knives.” - Barbara Kingsolver, The Lacuna

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11:45 am
“my beerdrunk soul is sadder than all the dead christmas trees of the world.”
― Charles Bukowski

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Thursday, August 14th, 2014
4:33 am - nopes

"Are you 'nope-ing' people again!?"

"And manically stroking my cat. I can multitask."

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Thursday, June 5th, 2014
9:08 pm

CHEF spoke to me on many levels. As a foodie, as a lover of Latin culture, and as a person who's trying to embark on a journey doing what I love.

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Wednesday, August 21st, 2013
1:37 pm
Natalia,

I can tell that you are suffering, and I understand that that is painful. I feel compassionate, but that which you seek is not something I can give to you.

And so what is left for me in our relationship is to figure out how to handle the negativity you project without letting it affect my emotional stability. It is very challenging.

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Saturday, August 17th, 2013
10:03 pm

Ill get the lube, you get the pizza.

Deal.

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Thursday, August 15th, 2013
12:43 pm
happy busy thrilled elated joyful

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Monday, August 12th, 2013
12:04 pm - Loneliness, as beautifully described by Pema
Less desire is the willingness to be lonely without resolution when everything in us yearns for something to cheer us up and change our mood. Practicing this kind of loneliness is a way of sowing seeds so that fundamental restlessness decreases. In meditation, for example, every time we label "thinking" instead of getting endlessly run around by our thoughts, we are training in just being here without dissociation. We can't do that now to the degree that we weren't willing to do it yesterday or the day before or last week or last year. After we practice less desire wholeheartedly and consistently, something shifts. We feel less desire in the sense of being less solidly seduced by our Very Important Story Lines. So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn't sit for even one, that's the journey of the warrior. That's the path of bravery. The less we spin off and go crazy, the more we taste the satisfaction of cool loneliness. As the Zen master Katagiri Roshi often said, 'One can be lonely and not be tossed away by it.'"

The second kind of loneliness is contentment. When we have nothing, we have nothing to lose. We don't have anythign to lose but being programmed in our guts to feel that we have a lot to lose. Our feeling that we have a lot to lose is rooted in fear - of loneliness, of change, of anything that can't be resolved, of nonexistence. The hope that we can avoid this feeling and the fear that we can't become our reference point.

...

Contentment is a synonym for loneliness, cool loneliness, settling down with cool loneliness. We give up believing that being able to escape our loneliness is going to bring any lasting happiness or sense of well-being or courage or strength. Usually we ahve to give up this belief about a billion times, again and again making friends with our jumpiness and dread, doing the same old thing a billion times with awareness. Then without our even noticing, something begins to shift. We can just be lonely with no alternatives, content to be right here with the mood and texture of what's happening.

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12:22 am - pema collection
“It isn't the things that happen to us in our lives that cause us to suffer, it's how we relate to the things that happen to us that causes us to suffer.”
― Pema Chödrön

“When we protect ourselves so we won't feel pain, that protection becomes like armor, like armor that imprisons the softness of of the heart.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

“When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space.”
― Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

“When we resist change, it’s called suffering. But when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into it’s dynamic quality, that’s called enlightenment”
― Pema Chödrön, Living Beautifully: with Uncertainty and Change

“My experience with forgiveness is that it sort of comes spontaneously at a certain point and to try to force it it's not really forgiveness. It's Buddhist philosophy or something spiritual jargon that you're trying to live up to but you're just using it against yourself as a reason why you're not okay.”
― Pema Chödrön

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”
― Pema Chödrön, Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion

“We are like children building a sand castle. We embellish it with beautiful shells, bits of driftwood, and pieces of colored glass. The castle is ours, off limits to others. We’re willing to attack if others threaten to hurt it. Yet despite all our attachment, we know that the tide will inevitably come in and sweep the sand castle away. The trick is to enjoy it fully but without clinging, and when the time comes, let it dissolve back into the sea.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”
― Pema Chödrön

“The very first noble truth of the Buddha points out that suffering is inevitable for human beings as long as we believe that things last—that they don’t disintegrate, that they can be counted on to satisfy our hunger for security.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

“It is only when we begin to relax with ourselves that meditation becomes a transformative process. Only when we relate with ourselves without moralizing, without harshness, without deception, can we let go of harmful patterns. Without maitri (metta), renunciation of old habits becomes abusive. This is an important point.”
― Pema Chödrön

“Be grateful to everyone" is about making peace with the aspects of ourselves that we have rejected... If we were to make a list of people we don't like - people we find obnoxious, threatening, or worthy of contempt - we would discover much about those aspects of ourselves that we can't face... other people trigger the karma that we haven't worked out.”
― Pema Chödrön, Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion

“The next time you lose heart and you can’t bear to experience what you’re feeling, you might recall this instruction: change the way you see it and lean in. Instead of blaming our discomfort on outer circumstances or on our own weakness, we can choose to stay present and awake to our experience, not rejecting it, not grasping it, not buying the stories that we relentlessly tell ourselves. This is priceless advice that addresses the true cause of suffering—yours, mine, and that of all living beings. ”
― Pema Chödrön

“Patience is the training in abiding with the restlessness of our energy and letting things evolve at their own speed.”
― Pema Chödrön, The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times

“Ordinarily we are swept away by habitual momentum. We don't interrupt our patterns even slightly. With practice, however, we learn to stay with a broken heart, with a nameless fear, with the desire for revenge. Sticking with uncertainty is how we learn to relax in the midst of chaos, how we learn to be cool when the ground beneath us suddenly disappears.”
― Pema Chödrön

“Words themselves are neutral. It's the charge we add to them that matters”
― Pema Chödrön, Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears

“Meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It's about befriending who we are already.”
― Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World

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Sunday, August 11th, 2013
7:37 pm
(more) good pema advice, really aligns with the stuff in the "feel good handbook" --

“What happens with you when you begin to feel uneasy, unsettled, queasy? Notice the panic, notice when you instantly grab for something. (51)”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

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7:34 pm
Pema, you fucking amazing inspirational genius:

“So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn't sit for even one, that's the journey of the warrior. (68)”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

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10:24 am
tea, meditation, reading.

I am content :)

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Saturday, August 10th, 2013
10:37 am
"If you experience a lot of stress and anxiety throughtout the day, your sweat will smell very different than when your day is full of joy, comfort and relaxation."

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10:36 am - sweat
I've noticed that my sweat has started to smell really stenchy this week, like it's full of toxins and negativity that my body is finally releasing.

every time i shower i feel like water is washing away a darkness inside my skin, how freeing to let it wash down the drain, and say "good bye."

Like lost baggage on the airline of life, I'm letting go of the negativity that has plagued me and am focusing on the positive that I am creating anew within myself.

I have a fantastic network of support who love me and are making this one of the best weeks in my life. One day I hope to share this experience with my lover, but in the meantime, I'm happy sharing it with myself and those around me who want to listen.

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2:32 am

Hi darling.

There's a show tonight at the marquis. I understand if you're still busy and/ or need more space, but I'm going and wanted invite you since I thought you'd enjoy it.

Happy and peacefully,
Emily

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Thursday, August 8th, 2013
8:53 pm

What is this prolonged state of euphoria?! I am so beyond happy, what do you call this? It's so beautiful! And it doesn't stop!

I am so happy and nothing even had to happen I just am! No qualms about preso tomorrow, just thrilled to be! And thrilled to have an awareness of being.

Great people in my life right now. I see so much promise in my future. Gosh this world is amazing!

I feel like I'm on drugs but it's really just my body and my mind! How amazing!!!!!

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3:57 pm
http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship.html

1. space, a comfortable distance
2. radiance and confidence

mystery is not about traveling to new places, it's about looking with new eyes

"I turn myself off when..."
I doubt myself
I am insecure about my body
I only see myself as a sexual object

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2:06 pm
a monster inside me
takes control when I'm damaged
more harm than protect

breathe the beast out through
nostrils and throat, feel him cling
eyes closed goodbye threat

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11:48 am - really good place right now
I am in a really good place right now. My head feels amazing.

So much work on my brain and on my emotional security.

So much reconnecting with life.

So much confidence building and self-knowledge.

I talked with Paul yesterday and I almost felt like a different person. Interacting with Natalia has been weird. In her I saw myself in my anxiety episodes. So weird to see it from the outside with this new state of mind. I can see now how it must have been to interact with me. What a challenge it is, and why it is so counter productive.

Gosh, how eye opening - or rather, brain opening.

I think this is the beginning of a really good stage in my life, I just hope I can share it with someone I love.

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Tuesday, August 6th, 2013
8:20 pm - Hopefully never a "next time" - but if there is:
Dear Emily,

This is yourself, writing you from a place of clarity.

Don’t do this. Don’t risk everything because this moment feels like it might be different than it should be.

You have the mean reds. You’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. You haven’t been able to control yourself, and you’re only going to hurt yourself in the long run if you continue down this destructive path.

When you man pulls back, it’s because he does need space. Give it to him, no matter how hard it feels for you to resist your cravings.

Show him you love him by showering him with space. Support him with positive energy and he will show you affection when he feels he can support you with his own.

Remember how he treats you when you let him approach you from a distance. You can hold your hand out without rushing towards him. He is a cat. Let him be alone and he’ll come back to cuddle up.

Give him that time. Give him that space. Let him succeed the way he wants to on his own and you will be a happier woman.

You can be separate people and love each other, too. How BEAUTIFUL to find someone who lets you be alone and gives you the chance to love YOURSELF.

So EXHALE. And listen to me, goddamnit! You are not Carrie Bradshaw, so pull yourself together and go to Tiffany’s if you need to feel like you “belong” somewhere and have someone to take care of you, but this is not your life to ruin. It’s also mine.

So stop fucking this up for me.

Love,
Emily

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